All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
