hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
