When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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