She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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