i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
