When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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