my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
