I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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