Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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