so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize