Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
handjob tips. give me some.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
