2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
