She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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