and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
