Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
