just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
