The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
