when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
