I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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