I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
