last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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