I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
