Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
