If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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