My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize