I think I won the penis lottery.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
