Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
