You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Come share oat with me in your robe
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
