dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
