Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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