Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
