Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
