If i could tip my vagina, i would.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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