Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
