i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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