i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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