Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
