I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
