the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
