ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
