im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
