Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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