My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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