this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We are all done wearing pants today
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
