But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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