I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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