his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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