So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
