Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
