I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize