I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
