I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
