Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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