I just saw a hot homeless man
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
