So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
