bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
