I bet he comes in French.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
