They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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