Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
cat food counts as protein by the way
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
