It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
