dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
