Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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